The seasons changed, and another winter arrived.
The drizzle was fine like silver threads, seeping into the bones.
Inside, the charcoal burned, and a pot of medicinal soup simmered by the window. As soon as he entered the room, Xie Subai, who had braved the cold wind on a rainy night, collapsed. Under the oil lamp, his face was deathly pale, and he coughed into his hand, almost coughing up his very lungs.
Blood pooled in his palm, and Xie Subai calmly clenched his fist.
Yinzhuang hurriedly brought him tea.
The bead curtain clinked softly as Doctor Yue walked briskly around the landscape screen.
Shen Qingli followed closely behind, scolding coldly, “It’s late, damp, and raining. Don’t you know your master can’t tolerate the cold?”
Ao Zhi bowed her head, “This servant is guilty.”
That night, Xie Subai developed a high fever.
Doctor Yue stayed up half the night. Xie Subai’s health had deteriorated so much that even a minor illness could be fatal if not carefully managed.
He could no longer be left alone.
Shen Qingli also didn’t sleep, propping his head up as he sat outside the screen. He called out to Ao Zhi, “Where did you go just now?”
Ao Zhi was silent for a long time before saying, “Miss Yuluo… is at the Ji residence. She is about to marry the commander on behalf of the Ji family’s eldest daughter.”
Shen Qingli was shocked, “What?”
He paused to think, “Is this because of that Zhao person?”
Ao Zhi nodded slightly.
Suddenly, Shen Qingli became alarmed, “The local governor… Huo Xian?!”
In the middle of the night, Xie Subai woke up.
As soon as he opened his eyes, he heard Shen Qingli’s voice nearby, “Are you really letting her do as she pleases? Huo Xian is no ordinary villain. If anything happens… Besides, Ji Yuluo may seem otherworldly, but she’s a mundane person who loves flashy things. With Huo Xian’s looks, who knows what she might be thinking.”
That last part was clearly a joke, as Shen Qingli didn’t really think Ji Yuluo had the leisure for romantic entanglements.
The person on the bed didn’t react either, speaking weakly, “I can’t control her. How long can I even control her? If she falls, she should learn to get up.”
Shen Qingli muttered, “If only you could truly be that broad-minded…”
****
In just a few months, Xie Subai often sat by the window for an entire night.
From the second floor of the inn, he had a broad view that almost encompassed the whole street. Around the corner was the residence of the Zhenfu Commander. He often saw Huo Xian gallop past on his horse.
Sometimes alone.
Sometimes with someone.
Huo Xian rarely rode in a carriage, but whenever he did, Ji Yuluo was always inside.
He saw her, dressed like a matron, walking alongside him in the market. Once, when they returned from attending the coming-of-age ceremony of Third Young Master Qin, Ji Yuluo suddenly got off the carriage to find someone, standing by the window to speak with Huo Xian.
Xie Subai couldn’t see the expression of the person inside the carriage, only noticing a hand casually tucking a strand of Ji Yuluo’s hair behind her ear.
She frowned, not noticing, her eyes still scanning the crowded street.
In the past, she only let her guard down like that around him.
Xie Subai felt an inexplicable sensation, as if a part of his heart had been gouged out. It wasn’t an immediate pain but made sleep elusive when he was alone at night.
During the day, he still had to be the calm and composed Xie Subai.
But when Shen Qingli excitedly rushed in, saying, “Do you know what I discovered in Tongzhou a few days ago? Guess what!”
Shen Qingli was jubilant, feeling relieved that Huo Xian had not gone astray, almost shedding tears of joy.
He said, “That rascal truly is a son of the Marquis of Xuanping; he’s not entirely disgracing his family!”
He continued, “Since he’s not wholeheartedly working for Zhao Yong, it doesn’t matter to us right now. You can rest easy.”
Xie Subai didn’t respond, staring at him with a look that held an impending storm, making Shen Qingli’s heart skip a beat.
Misguided, disgrace, family – though referring to Huo Xian, each word seemed to also reflect on Xie Subai.
Upon reflection, it was indeed sad.
In his youth, Huo Xian was merely a rebellious troublemaker, seemingly destined for a path of deviance. It was Lou Panshun and Xie Subai who had pulled him back.
But now?
Back then, the once rebellious and unruly person had managed to stay true to himself, while the young man, bright as the stars and moon, had fallen into the mire. Time had changed them completely, making their paths utterly divergent, which was a cruel irony.
If one were to say that Xie Subai had never felt heartache and helplessness during those sleepless nights, it would be untrue. But his innate pride meant that once he set his mind on something, he would never turn back, even if it led him to ruin. As long as he didn’t think about it or look at it, he could grit his teeth and keep going.
He had to believe that Longsun Lianyu was already dead, which was why he forbade anyone from calling him “Your Highness.”
Shen Qingli’s words had undoubtedly laid bare all his wounds. Huo Xian was the knife that pierced those festering sores, reminding Xie Subai:
See, you were supposed to grow up to be like him.
It was a blow to both his heart and soul.
The more Xie Subai loathed himself, the more he loathed Huo Xian. His cold eyes began to show traces of murderous intent.
His thin lips parted slightly, and he said, “Lanxu…”
Shen Qingli seemed to realize what he was about to say and urgently interrupted, “No!”
In his haste, Shen Qingli grabbed a random excuse, “If something happens to him, Ji Yuluo won’t forgive you. Besides… one day when you’re no longer here to oversee Cuixue Tower, that girl will only act with brutal force, leading to more violence. Huo Xian is different. He’s navigated the court for years and is full of cunning. You have to admit, he’s the best person to protect Ji Yuluo! You can’t refuse to be with her and also not let anyone else be with her, can you?”
Their eyes met, and Xie Subai clenched his fists.
His lips pressed into a thin line, and the veins on his forehead stood out.
After a long silence, he lowered his gaze, turned his wheelchair, and pushed himself into the inner room.
The door closed with a creak.
Xie Subai gripped the wheelchair’s armrests, trying to suppress the itch in his throat, but suddenly felt a rush of metallic taste. He coughed, and blood gushed out, staining his once pristine hands with bright red.
Tears mixed with the blood, dripping down, each drop piercing his heart.
Through his tear-blurred vision, he seemed to see a figure in the light.
Tall and graceful, with a posture like bamboo.
Xie Subai knew who it was and also knew it was just a dream.
But because it was a dream, he dared to cry and ask, “Father, did I do something wrong?”
Prince Huaijin gently patted his shoulder, his gaze as steadfast and hopeful as ever, just like in the past.
But he didn’t say a word. There was no blame, no advice, just his gaze, which made Xie Subai weep even more.
…
He heard Yinzhuang calling, “Your Majesty, Your Majesty!”
Awakening from a grand dream, it felt like a lifetime had passed.
Xie Subai opened his eyes, and the first thing he saw was the square eaves of the palace. It was already summer, and vines had climbed up the tiles.
The lush greenery almost dazzled his eyes.
Tears slid down his nose. When he looked down, there was no blood, only tears.
He glanced at the sky, noticing that his sleeping periods were getting longer and longer.
“Push me inside, I haven’t finished reading the memorials.”
Xie Subai clutched the wolf-hair brush, oblivious to the ink spreading on the memorial, as if he was lost in thought.
This had been happening frequently these days. Aozhi knew he was waiting for Miss Yuluo to come and bid farewell.
According to Shen Qingli, Huo Xian had visited the Marquis of Xuanping’s residence the day before. Guessing that the mundane affairs of the capital were resolved, she would not stay long.
It would likely be within these few days.
Suddenly, from outside the door, Yinzhuang called out joyfully, “Your Majesty, Miss Yuluo has arrived!”
The hand holding the wolf-hair brush trembled slightly, leaving a stroke on the memorial.
He calmly set down the brush and wiped the ink from his tiger’s mouth with a handkerchief. When he looked up, Ji Yuluo had already entered the hall. She no longer wore the light blue frost snow hairpin but had replaced it with a finely crafted wooden hairpin, set with a small luminous pearl.
Xie Subai smiled faintly and asked, “Huo Xian didn’t come?”
His smile was warm and gentle, like a spring breeze in March, making him look extremely well, with no trace of his previous despondent state.
Ji Yuluo scrutinized him, and he let her.
Only then did he hear her say, “It’s inconvenient for him due to his status. Coming to the palace would only cause trouble. I heard that Ji Yuyao is taking care of your health in the palace. How is the medicine working?”
Xie Subai replied, “It’s fine. She was taught by Jingchen and is quite talented. Her medical skills surpass many of the imperial physicians.”
Ji Yuluo said, “That’s good.”
After that, there was another moment of silence as they looked at each other.
When she was with him, she always spoke little. She wondered if it was the same with Huo Xian.
Xie Subai said, “Would you like to see the koi in the Imperial Garden? They were tributes from abroad, colorful and vibrant. I think you would like them. I’ve had Yin Zhuang take care of them for a few days.”
Ji Yuluo nodded and then pushed him out.
The shimmering light on the lotus pond cast warm reflections on his face, giving his usually pale complexion a gentle glow, making him look less cold than usual.
Xie Subai, in rare good spirits, shared a few amusing stories from the deep palace with her.
Ji Yuluo tilted her head and asked, “Do you like it here?”
Xie Subai responded ambiguously, “Naturally, I grew up here. Luo’er, actually, I… cough, cough—”
In fact, he had left a palace for her here.
If she ever returned to the capital, she could stay in the palace for a while.
She could come and go as she pleased, without anyone restricting her, just like the waterside pavilion at Cuixue Tower.
Ji Yuluo quickly handed him some water, frowning, “I see your cough is worse than before. Aozhi says you’ve been working on state affairs day and night. If you continue like this, no amount of medicine will help. Is the cabinet full of freeloaders?”
Xie Subai took a sip of water, suppressing the metallic taste in his throat. He sighed and said, “Who taught you to scold people like that?”
Ji Yuluo pursed her lips, clearly a bit unhappy.
After a moment of silence, she asked, “What were you saying earlier?”
Xie Subai was slightly stunned, then shook his head, saying it was nothing.
He stared at the lively koi in the pond, their reflections mingling with Ji Yuluo’s. Looking closely, the wooden hairpin seemed to suit her better, complementing her cool demeanor with a touch of warmth.
He couldn’t help but ask, “Is Huo Xian good to you?”
Ji Yuluo paused, then nodded.
Xie Subai said, “That’s good.”
As he finished scattering the fish food, he recalled something and smiled, “I remember when you were fifteen, you raised a pond of koi. Shen Qingli accidentally killed two of them, and you chased him around for two days. He avoided you whenever he saw you.”
Ji Yuluo also smiled, “Master punished me with confinement back then, so I raised them out of boredom.”
Out of boredom.
That was during the six months she spent recovering. Their houses stood face to face, yet he deliberately distanced himself from her, avoiding her.
In fact, before that, although the young girl didn’t say it, she relied on him the most. Despite her solitary appearance, she didn’t truly like being alone. How could Xie Subai not understand that?
He made her sad, made her feel lonely.
Xie Subai closed his eyes, his hand hidden under his sleeve clenching tightly. “Luo’er…”
Without turning his head, he said, “You should go. Don’t delay your journey.”
Ji Yuluo looked at him and softly replied, “Alright.”
She stood up, her shadow partially falling on him. For once, she bowed respectfully before preparing to leave.
After just a few steps, she stopped.
Turning back, she said, “That winter when I was buried in the snow, I was already delirious, but I remember the first person I saw when I opened my eyes was you. You saved me. I hope you take care of yourself. Please, be well.”
Xie Subai still did not turn around. He adjusted his sleeves and said, “Alright, you too.”
The twilight cast long, thin shadows of people.
As her shadow was about to disappear around the corner, Xie Subai carefully glanced back, catching only a glimpse of her hem.
All his strength seemed drained, and he could no longer maintain his composure. He called for a palace maid to push him back to his sleeping quarters.
But halfway there, he suddenly stopped and shouted sharply, “To the watchtower!”
The watchtower offered a view of the palace gates.
He saw a carriage waiting at the gate. Huo Xian was leaning against it, wearing a sunshade hat. Ji Yuluo walked slowly towards the gate, quickening her pace just a little as she approached.
Huo Xian reached out and embraced her, leaning on her lazily as if he had no bones, rubbing his head against her shoulder.
Ji Yuluo struggled a bit, then laughed at something he said.
After making her laugh, Huo Xian let go and glanced up, noticing the yellow-robed figure on the watchtower. He was stunned. Ji Yuluo followed his gaze, but he quickly covered her eyes and pushed her back into the carriage.
Xie Subai stood still, meeting that gaze, unmoving until the carriage disappeared into the twilight, with stars filling the sky…
The scent of medicine filled his nostrils.
He finally moved, looking at the shadow on the ground, and said softly, “I want to live through this autumn. Please, Miss Ji, help me.”
The person behind him stirred.
He just wanted to live through this autumn because the Eastern Palace fire had happened in winter.
Changsun Lianyu should have died that day.
