Qi Yubai’s words, “Think about how to start,” hung in the air for a long time without him actually speaking. So long that Lanyin began to think there was something difficult for him to say. She even wanted to tell him that he didn’t have to say it. Though she was curious, she didn’t necessarily need to know why Qi Yubai liked her.
His particular fondness and preference for her were so obvious that even a fool could see it. And Lanyin was neither blind nor foolish.
As long as he liked her, that was enough.
As for why…
Did it matter?
No, it didn’t.
Since that was the case, why insist on digging to the root of it? Lanyin had never been that kind of person. But just as she was about to speak, she heard a voice beside her ask, “Do you still remember the first time you met Grandmother?”
The words she was about to say got stuck in her throat. She looked at Qi Yubai and nodded, “I remember.”
That should have been a day not long after she arrived at the Wang family. She remembered it very clearly—at that time, she hadn’t met Qi Yubai at all. In fact, during all the years she spent in Jinling, she had never seen him even once.
Although she had heard plenty about him from her grandmother and several cousins, they had never actually met.
There were even a few times when she deliberately avoided him upon hearing that he had arrived, only going over after he had left. So although Lanyin had grown up hearing many stories about the Wang family’s grandmother’s grandson, the first time she truly saw Qi Yubai was the year he ranked first in the imperial examination and paraded through the streets.
Dressed in red, he rode a white horse forward, while she, holding a round fan, stood on the second floor, leaning against the railing and gazing into the distance.
“That day, you didn’t see me, but I saw you.”
Seeing the surprise on Lanyin’s face, Qi Yubai continued holding her hand, playing with it as he chuckled, “When your little uncle brought me over, I saw you sitting on Grandmother’s lap, wiping away her tears.”
“Then why didn’t you come in?” Lanyin asked, puzzled.
Qi Yubai was silent for a moment before he honestly told her the same reason he had given Wang Guannan back then. As soon as he finished speaking, he saw the delicate face before him flash with surprise and shock. Before he could say anything else, she suddenly couldn’t hold back a laugh.
“Is it that funny?”
Watching her laugh so much that she couldn’t stop, Qi Yubai looked helpless but did not stop her. He still held her hand, gazing at her.
By the time Lanyin had finished laughing, quite a while had passed. Her almond-shaped eyes shimmered from the laughter, and her voice carried traces of amusement and helplessness. “Qi Yubai, we were just kids back then.”
She had been only six years old at the time, and Qi Yubai, a year older, had been just about seven. Although the old traditions stated that boys and girls should not sit together after the age of seven, it wasn’t to the extent that they couldn’t even meet in the presence of elders. This person had truly been a little old-fashioned since childhood.
But she rather liked this old-fashioned side of him.
Lanyin became interested, her eyes sparkling as she looked at Qi Yubai. “And then?” She really enjoyed hearing stories about their childhood—it made her feel as if they had truly grown up together.
“That was the first time I saw you. I thought you were some favored young lady of the Wang family, only that you seemed innocent and carefree. I didn’t ask much about you.”
“Later…” Qi Yubai suddenly paused mid-sentence.
Lanyin knew what he was about to say, but she didn’t mind. Instead, she smiled and finished his words for him. “Later, you realized I wasn’t some cherished young lady of the Wang family at all, but a pitiful little thing who had been abandoned.”
Noticing how the grip on her hand suddenly tightened and how his expression grew much more serious, Lanyin smiled gently. She clasped Qi Yubai’s hand in return, her voice soft as she reassured him, “It’s fine. That was a long time ago—I stopped caring a long time ago.”
“Really.”
She smiled and added, “Now, I have you, I have Grandmother, Grandmother Qi, and Shi Yu and the others. I no longer feel sad over people who don’t matter.”
If she had still cared about those who had abandoned her, she wouldn’t have been so indifferent when she encountered Madam Wang earlier.
Qi Yubai looked at her without saying anything. He merely raised his arm and gently brushed her head. After a while, he finally continued, “Back then, I only felt that you and I were kindred spirits in suffering, so I subconsciously paid more attention to you. Later, I heard Chengze say that you were good at studying. Even Mr. Cheng, who taught calligraphy, praised your excellent handwriting and intelligence. He even said that if you were a man, you would definitely be able to establish yourself in the imperial court.”
The Wang family had both a family academy and a women’s academy. The family academy gathered all direct and collateral descendants of the Wang family, as well as children of families allied with them, such as Qi Yubai. The women’s academy, on the other hand, was exclusively for female students. Although the two academies were separate, some of the teachers overlapped.
The Mr. Cheng that Qi Yubai mentioned was the one who taught calligraphy. Occasionally, upon the students’ request, he would also share past experiences and talk about the world outside.
Unlike ordinary Confucian scholars, Mr. Cheng did not believe that women should only learn the Three Obediences and Four Virtues. On the contrary, he enjoyed using past experiences to teach them how to navigate the world.
Among all the teachers, Mr. Cheng’s lessons were her favorite. She never displayed too much in class, but in private, she often discussed various matters with him.
Lanyin was a little surprised to learn that Qi Yubai had been paying attention to her all along. She was also a little happy. So, in those years when she had been unaware, there had been someone watching over her like this. However, amid her happiness, she also felt a slight regret. If she had known earlier about his attention, if they had met sooner, would their past have been different? Would they… have already been together?
At that thought, Lanyin shook her head.
She and Xiao Ye had been engaged since childhood. Without a major reason, how could she have married someone else? The Xiao family would not have allowed it, nor would the Gu family. She suppressed her regret deep within her heart and asked Qi Yubai in as normal a tone as possible, “And then?”
“Later, I happened to see you going to that deserted garden in the Wang residence. On a whim, I followed you.”
When Lanyin heard him mention the deserted garden, her eyes widened slightly in disbelief. Seeing her reaction, Qi Yubai cleared his throat and said, “I should apologize to you. The first time, I followed you because I saw you were very upset and was afraid something might happen to you. But later…”
It became a habit.
In those years when she was unaware, he had observed her from a distance, watching her grow from a little girl into an adult. He saw her becoming stronger, more composed, and more capable of creating a better life for herself.
Seeing that she didn’t speak and only lowered her head, Qi Yubai grew slightly worried and asked in a low voice, “Are you angry?”
Lanyin shook her head.
She wasn’t exactly angry—just embarrassed.
She had thought that was her secret place, where she could cry and laugh freely without fear of being seen. She never expected that Qi Yubai had been there all along, watching over her. Did that mean all the times she had cried so pitifully had been seen by him?
At that thought, Lanyin felt like the world was going dark before her eyes.
Perhaps, when one liked someone, they always wanted to present their best self before them, unwilling to let them see their most embarrassing past.
Shame made it difficult for Lanyin to face Qi Yubai at this moment. Wanting to quickly change the subject, she continued asking, “And then? You…”
She wanted to ask if it was because of these moments that he had fallen for her. But the shyness in her heart made it impossible for her to say it out loud.
Qi Yubai, however, seemed to know exactly what she wanted to ask. Smiling, he reached out and stroked her head before answering honestly, “I don’t know when I fell in love with you either. Maybe it was after hearing about you again and again from others. Maybe it was when I saw you crying so cautiously in that deserted garden, not daring to let anyone know. Or maybe… it was when you brought me sober-up soup.”
Sober-up soup?
Lanyin was stunned.
Only then did she recall something.
She did seem to have delivered sober-up soup to someone before. That day had been during the New Year celebrations. Madam Wang had come to pay respects to Grandmother, and because Lanyin knew Madam Wang didn’t like her, she had gone for a walk in the garden alone. Unexpectedly, a drunken young man had bumped into her. The maid beside her had been furious, but Lanyin hadn’t wanted to cause trouble.
She had seen that the young man was dressed in white, his head lowered, exuding the strong scent of alcohol. Fearing that in his drunken state he might bump into someone else, she had ordered someone to prepare sober-up soup and left her maid to look after him before leaving without saying a single word to the drunken young man.
It had been such a small matter that Lanyin had long forgotten it. If Qi Yubai hadn’t mentioned it, she wouldn’t have even remembered that she had once delivered sober-up soup to a stranger.
But—
She seemed to realize something, her pupils widening slightly as she asked Qi Yubai, “You weren’t actually drunk back then?” Otherwise, how could he remember everything so clearly?
Qi Yubai didn’t hide it, giving a soft hum of acknowledgment. But that had been the first lie he had ever told in his life. Back then, he had always been mindful of propriety whenever they met, yet that day, for some inexplicable reason, he had thrown all caution aside and rushed toward her.
He rarely felt embarrassed, but now, seeing Lanyin’s bright, shining almond-shaped eyes fixed on him, he lightly coughed, turned his face away, and even the tips of his ears took on a faint shade of pink.
But how could Lanyin let him off so easily when it was so rare to see him like this?
Seeing him turn away, she deliberately leaned in closer, tilting her head up to gaze at him with a playful smile. “My lord, did you not realize you were being improper back then?”
Qi Yubai’s eyes held a hint of helplessness. He knew she was deliberately teasing him, yet he couldn’t bring himself to be angry with her. Instead, he curled his finger and gently flicked the tip of her nose. “I wasn’t thinking about anything at the time. I just knew you were going back to Lin’an. Then, suddenly seeing you again, I acted on impulse. I regretted it afterward. If someone had seen us, I would have been fine, but you would have faced criticism.”
Lanyin looked into Qi Yubai’s eyes and saw the concern in them. Her heart softened.
He was always like this—constantly thinking about her reputation, just as he had done at the temple back then. After witnessing her most disgraceful moment, he had told her he would leave Bianjing.
The things she hadn’t understood before, she finally understood now. She had once thought he had helped her only because Grandmother had cared for him when he was young. But looking back, how could such a small favor be worth him sacrificing his future for her?
Perhaps, just as he had said, he didn’t know when he had fallen for her. He simply acted as soon as the thought crossed his mind.
In those years when she was unaware, he had silently accompanied her in the deserted garden, day after day. He had left an umbrella for her in the rain. He had taken in the cat she had been forced to abandon and cared for it for more than ten years. Whenever something happened to her, he would appear by her side—never letting anyone misunderstand, never putting her in a difficult position or making her feel humiliated in front of others…
If it weren’t for that incident being too perilous, if they hadn’t fallen into Yelü Yange’s scheme,
Perhaps, in that lifetime, she and Qi Yubai would have remained nothing more than mere acquaintances. She would still have been the heir’s wife of the Chengbo Manor, and he would have remained the highly respected Lord Qi. Even if they had met again in the future, it would have been nothing more than a passing glance on the street.
Thinking of that Qi Yubai—thinking of the man who had abandoned everything for her, ending up alone—Lanyin suddenly felt a pang of sorrow in her heart.
If she had known earlier… If only she had known earlier about his feelings for her, even if she couldn’t have been with him, at least she could have told him thank you.
“…I’m sorry.”
The sadness and heartache she felt for Qi Yubai made her murmur the words unconsciously.
She buried her face in his embrace, closed her eyes, and let her tears fall.
A warm fingertip paused against her face, gently wiping away her tears.
“No need to apologize. I’m very happy.”
Qi Yubai’s voice reached her ears, yet Lanyin couldn’t tell him the sorrow in her heart. She wasn’t just feeling regretful about their past—she was also grieving for the Qi Yubai of that previous life.
She could be with this Qi Yubai in this life, but she could never go back to the Qi Yubai of the past to tell him she was sorry, to thank him properly.
She didn’t know how to say all this to Qi Yubai, so she could only hold onto him, silently shedding tears.
Until his voice reached her ears again.
“Gu Lanyin, I did all of it willingly. You don’t need to feel sorry, nor should you feel guilty.”
It was as if a small stone had been thrown into the depths of her heart, sending ripples across its surface.
Lanyin felt a strange realization. She lifted her gaze, and her eyes met Qi Yubai’s phoenix-shaped ones, as deep and still as a secluded pond.
Seeing the calmness in them, she suddenly had a strange thought—
Not the first time she had thought of it, but never before had the thought felt so intense.
Her red lips trembled slightly, and her pupils widened. “You…”
“Yes,” Qi Yubai looked at her and said, “I am just like you.”
Her slightly widened pupils suddenly dilated sharply at that moment, as if her heart had been clenched by an invisible hand. Her breath tightened instantly, and her face turned pale as her gaze completely froze. She stared blankly at Qi Yubai.
“How is that possible…”
Yet, deep down, she already had an answer.
It was real. Qi Yubai was just like her.
If he weren’t, there was no way to explain his words.
For a moment, Lanyin didn’t know what to say. All the guilt, the debt, the sorrow, the regret… Facing him now, they all rendered her speechless. She could do nothing but stare at him in stunned silence.
Qi Yubai understood her emotions all too well.
He had hesitated as well, considering keeping it from her forever.
But he knew Lanyin’s temperament. If he didn’t tell her, she would carry the burden of the past for the rest of her life, forever feeling guilt toward the Qi Yubai of their previous existence.
He reached out and pulled her into his embrace. Feeling her slight tremor, his hands paused for a moment before gently stroking her back with soothing motions. He looked at the dazed Lanyin and spoke to her slowly:
“I told you this not to make you feel guilty or sad. I only hope that from now on, you won’t carry that guilt with you anymore.”
“Lanyin.”
He called her name softly.
She lifted her eyes to look at him. Though there was still confusion in her gaze, the trembling from before had lessened.
Knowing that she could hear him, he lowered his eyes and looked at her.
“Being able to help you makes me very happy. My only regret…”
As he said this, his voice suddenly became hoarse, and his gaze darkened as he looked into her eyes.
“…is that I didn’t find you in time. I could only watch as you perished in the fire before my very eyes.”
That was the first time he had ever hated his own powerlessness.
If he had arrived just a little earlier, perhaps she wouldn’t have died.
Lanyin finally understood.
That voice calling her name in agony before she died… it had been him.
Tears fell like broken pearls, uncontrollable, unstoppable. She wept harder than ever before, yet she couldn’t make a sound.
Qi Yubai pulled her into his embrace.
She sat on his lap, his warm hand loosely encircling her waist while his other hand cupped her face.
Her tear-filled eyes blurred her vision, but through the haze, she could still see the helplessness on Qi Yubai’s face.
“How many times have you cried today?” His voice, filled with resignation, reached her ears. It seemed he blamed himself for making her cry yet again.
Lanyin remained silent, allowing him to wipe away her tears.
The evening breeze stirred the bamboo wind chimes under the corridor, their crisp sounds lingering in the air.
Underneath those soft chimes, Lanyin gazed at Qi Yubai, her voice hoarse as she suddenly called his name:
“Qi Yubai.”
“Hmm?”
Qi Yubai was still gently wiping away her tears when he heard—
“I want to kiss you.”
His hand paused mid-motion. Before he could even react, a pair of arms had already wrapped around his neck.
The woman sitting on his lap leaned in slightly.
And beneath the sound of the wind chimes, before he could fully process what was happening, the girl he had loved for two lifetimes lowered her head and kissed him for the very first time.