Li Yunwan left the table first.
Even after she left, the others at the table continued to eat in silence.
Gu Jingyuan’s gaze was fixed on the rice porridge in his bowl, lost in thought. Suddenly, he put down his chopsticks and stood up to leave. Watching his retreating figure, it seemed he was heading towards the rear courtyard where Li Yunwan was temporarily staying.
Gu Chuan blinked and softly asked, “Why isn’t Father eating?”
“Father has something to attend to. Xiao Chuan, eat well.” Gu Jianli placed a piece of meat in Gu Chuan’s bowl.
“Oh…” Gu Chuan responded and lowered his head to eat.
Gu Jianli seemed a bit absent-minded too. After she returned home, she had recounted the events that occurred in the palace to her family, naturally omitting her aunt’s personal matters. However, she found that even without mentioning her aunt’s concerns, the events were enough to create an awkward atmosphere. Gu Jianli glanced at Madam Tao, feeling confused. If considering closeness, her aunt was naturally nearer. But ever since their family fell on hard times and she had gone through so much with Madam Tao, their relationship was no longer the distant stepmother-daughter one it once was.
Gu Jianli was lost in thought, her worries clearly written on her face.
Ji Wujing watched her for a while, then suddenly leaned in and whispered, “Do you want to eavesdrop?”
Gu Jianli was startled and quickly said, “It is improper to listen to things one shouldn’t! That’s Father, how could you suggest such a thing!”
Ji Wujing lazily responded with an “oh” and said, “Then you eat slowly, I’m going to see the commotion that old man is causing.”
With that, he stood up.
Gu Jianli hurriedly grabbed his sleeve, earnestly saying, “This is wrong!”
The others at the table all looked over.
Gu Jianli stubbornly held onto Ji Wujing’s sleeve, refusing to let go.
Ji Wujing looked at her seriously for a moment, then bent down and whispered in her ear, “You really don’t want to go?”
The close proximity in such a public setting made Gu Jianli extremely uncomfortable, not to mention everyone else was watching them. She frowned and said in a slightly reproachful tone, “If we get caught…”
“We won’t get caught.” Ji Wujing straightened up and began pushing Gu Jianli’s wheelchair away.
Gu Jianli softly tried to dissuade him, “Stop messing around…”
“Gu Jianli, your father’s temper might cause trouble.”
Gu Jianli hesitated for a moment and then quietly asked, “Are you sure we won’t get caught? If Father finds out, he’ll punish me severely…”
Ji Wujing chuckled.
Gu Jianli felt a deep sense of unease. Even as she hid in the wardrobe, she was still in a daze. Raised and taught in the manner befitting a noblewoman, she had never imagined herself eavesdropping. She felt that this action was wrong, yet she couldn’t help but feel a strange excitement.
Ji Wujing mocked her, “Gu Jianli, don’t you find a monotonous life boring? Gu Jingyuan really doesn’t know how to raise a daughter.”
He patted Gu Jianli’s head and said regretfully, “Such a good girl, raised to be so dull.”
Gu Jianli looked at him disapprovingly, just about to speak when Ji Wujing placed his finger on her lips to silence her. Gu Jianli pursed her lips and looked out through the carved holes of the wardrobe. The door opened, and Li Yunwan entered, followed by her trusted maid, Pan’er, who was carrying a bowl of medicinal soup.
Seeing the medicinal soup in Pan’er’s hands, Gu Jianli understood why her aunt hadn’t returned directly to her room after coming back from the front courtyard.
Realizing she was eavesdropping made Gu Jianli inexplicably nervous. She stood on one foot, leaning against the wardrobe for support. She glanced down, trying to act nonchalantly as she placed her left foot on Ji Wujing’s boot.
Ji Wujing glanced at her out of the corner of his eye, pretending not to notice.
Li Yunwan sat at the table and took the medicine Pan’er handed her.
“My lady, you shouldn’t have gone to eat with them. You didn’t eat much…” Pan’er said with concern.
“What else could I do?” Li Yunwan elegantly stirred the still hot medicinal soup with a spoon. “Should I have acted like a noble concubine and eaten alone?”
“I think you shouldn’t have gone at all…” Pan’er looked at her mistress with pity. Everyone has their own stance, and hers was to care for her mistress.
“It’s necessary to meet and talk openly. If I just left without a word…” Li Yunwan looked thoughtfully at the soup, falling silent for a moment before speaking softly, “He would blame himself.”
“You always consider others, but can’t you think for yourself? My lady… can we not drink this medicine?” Pan’er’s eyes reddened as she spoke. “The imperial physician clearly said that drinking it too many times over the years could mean you’ll never be a mother again.”
In the wardrobe, Gu Jianli’s eyes widened, almost exclaiming out loud, but Ji Wujing quickly covered her mouth. She turned to look at Ji Wujing, who was leaning lazily against the wardrobe, not looking outside but watching her.
Years ago, every time Emperor Chang touched Li Yunwan, she would secretly drink contraceptive soup. Drinking it too much had harmed her body, rendering her infertile. Because the imperial physician had diagnosed her as infertile, after her affair with Gu Jingyuan, she didn’t drink the contraceptive soup. Who would have thought…
Emperor Chang’s health had declined over the years, relying on medicine for intimacy and long past the ability to father children. So, Li Yunwan knew the child in her belly was Gu Jingyuan’s. That day in the palace, when she and Gu Jianli jumped from the attic, the fall caused her to bleed and only then did she realize she was pregnant.
Li Yunwan raised the bowl of thick, bitter medicinal soup and drank it down, one mouthful at a time. Putting down the bowl, she wiped the soup from her lips, her face showing a faint smile as she gently said, “How could I not be a mother? I have two daughters. My sister’s daughter is my daughter too.”
“How can that be the same?” Pan’er burst into tears. “They aren’t your own children. Can they truly bring you joy in your later years or take care of you when you’re old?”
Li Yunwan wiped away Pan’er’s tears with a smile and said, “But I still have you, Pan’er. Good girl, don’t cry. We’ve already come out of the cage; the days ahead will be good.”
Gu Jingyuan stood at the door and called out loudly, “Yunwan, are you there?”
Li Yunwan’s smile froze slightly.
Pan’er wiped the tears from her face and said, “I’ll go invite Prince Wuxian in.”
“Just leave the door open; he won’t come in. Then, go check in the inner room if there’s anything we missed packing last night.”
Pan’er nodded, forced her tears back, opened the door, bowed respectfully, and then turned back to the inner room.
Gu Jingyuan stood about seven or eight steps from the door, not intending to come any closer.
The two of them looked at each other from a distance, and Li Yunwan suddenly recalled the day they first met. It was also on such a cold day; she and her sister were fleeing and got trapped in the snowy mountains, where they met Gu Jingyuan, clad in armor, on his tall horse.
Her sister had happily told her that they could ally with Gu Jingyuan. She was only thirteen at the time and didn’t understand, only knowing that the imposing figure of Gu Jingyuan on horseback left a deep impression on her, one that lasted twenty years. She would always sit quietly by the side, listening to her sister and Gu Jingyuan discuss important matters she couldn’t comprehend. Later, she sensitively noticed the special way Gu Jingyuan looked at her sister. Eventually, he began gifting her sister with rouge, jewelry, silk, and jade, while giving her some candy. The candy was sweet, and she cherished it so much that it melted before she could eat it.
These memories were carefully tucked away in her heart. She looked at Gu Jingyuan with a gentle yet distant smile and called out, “Brother-in-law.”
Gu Jingyuan let out a sigh of relief. All the prepared words he had wanted to say were rendered unnecessary by that one “brother-in-law.” His gaze towards Li Yunwan was straightforward and honest, and his words were equally direct and sincere.
“Yunwan, if you weren’t Yunyan’s sister, I would keep you by my side and give you a status. But you are her sister, and you resemble her greatly. Yunwan, you’ve lived half your life as your sister’s shadow. If you stayed by my side, you would still be just her shadow. Brother-in-law speaks frankly; I know you’ve always felt very inferior before your sister. But when your sister was alive, she often spoke of your good qualities. She admired your gentleness, your meticulousness, and your pure kindness. Away from your sister’s shadow, you should live your own life.”
“If you want to return to the Li clan, Brother-in-law will arrange for someone to escort you back safely. If you wish to stay in the capital, Brother-in-law will settle you well. If you ever marry again, Brother-in-law will send you off as family. If you do not wish to marry, as long as Brother-in-law is alive, you will be provided for. Jianli and Zaili both like you, and you care for those two children. Brother-in-law will not prevent you from seeing them. But…”
Gu Jingyuan paused for a moment before continuing, “For the rest of our lives, we need not see each other again.”
Li Yunwan kept an elegant and proper smile on her face, quietly listening to Gu Jingyuan finish. The world around them was silent, and so was her heart.
“Brother-in-law’s words make Yunwan feel uneasy. I am no longer a naive young girl who doesn’t understand the ways of the world. It’s just a small matter, yet it has troubled Brother-in-law so much. Stay by your side? Be your woman? Brother-in-law, are you joking?” Li Yunwan laughed lightly, her tone carefree. “But now that I have left the palace, I will naturally rely on you. You must give me enough money for my journey back to the Li clan. If you try to send me off with just some small change, I’ll have to complain to the Li Lan deity about you to my sister!”
Gu Jingyuan looked at the smile on Li Yunwan’s face from a distance, listening to her light and breezy tone. He paused for a moment, then nodded and said, “Very well, Brother-in-law will make sure everything is arranged for you.”
Gu Jingyuan turned and walked away without looking back.
He said they need not see each other for the rest of their lives, and indeed, they never saw each other again.
Li Yunwan watched Gu Jingyuan leave until he was out of sight. She then said in a trembling voice, “Pan’er, close the door.”
With tears streaming down her face, Pan’er ran out from the inner room and forcefully closed the door.
Li Yunwan covered her mouth with both hands, trying hard not to cry out loud. The searing pain in her heart left her breathless, so much so that she didn’t even notice the pain in her abdomen. Blood stained her apricot-colored dress, soiled the chair, and formed a small puddle on the floor.
But she smiled again. She hadn’t let him know her dirty thoughts; he would never know.
Hidden in the wardrobe, Ji Wujing watched Gu Jianli for a long time, seeing her eyes gradually fill with tears, which then rolled down her cheeks, wetting her face.
Ji Wujing’s expression grew darker and darker. He regretted it; he shouldn’t have brought Gu Jianli here on a whim.
Gu Jianli looked at Li Yunwan, who dared not cry out, feeling a pain similar to her aunt’s.
She thought of Ji Xuanke.
Gu Jianli vaguely understood that her feelings for Ji Xuanke were so shallow and insignificant.
In the dim, cramped wardrobe, Gu Jianli realized for the first time that love was like a blade, capable of leaving someone completely battered and broken. She sincerely wished that she would never be troubled by love in this lifetime, always remaining calm, composed, and graceful.
